The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face
by MurielLeeJones
Summary: Sam(5) and Dean(9) sneak into Bobby's study, and find a book containing an Angel summing. Set during "Swan Song". Please forgive my Enochian, its not my first language :-) Also, I'm new to the SPN fandom, so I would appreciate kindness and would love reviews.
1. Chapter 1

We were in Sioux Falls, Dad was drunk again; Bobby was looking after us. It was summer, not that there was much difference between our summer and our winter. Sam didn't get to go to school like he should have that year, and it didn't matter if I went, I already knew I was going to be a hunter. Bobby said a nine year old couldn't know that, I did—I knew I had to protect Sammy; I just didn't know what from. Bobby still says what happened wasn't my fault. But it is, and no matter how many times I blame the Angels, or the demons, or god, or Sammy for nearly ending the world, it's all on me.

Sammy was mine, Dad gave him to me, and that was final. I should have watched out for him better. Bobby called him precocious; if I had been a genius like Sam I would have known what that meant. All I knew was that at five he could read better than me at nine, and ask questions that I didn't know the answers to, and I wanted to give him everything he ever asked for—and that is how we ended up in Bobby's study on a too hot day in Sioux Falls in the summer of '89; that is the day, Castiel, the world really ended.

Bobby was doing a grocery run; he didn't go out much and leave us with Dad. He didn't leave us with Dad because leaving us with Dad was worse than leaving us alone—not that he would have said that, and Sam didn't know that, and until a couple of years ago I wouldn't have believed it. Dad was a drunk, was always a little until he died, he got better after it happened though—used to think Bobby must have threatened his life, now I think that Bobby must have threatened to take Sam. It was too late though—something else already had Sammy.

Bobby was out, Dad was downstairs sleeping it off, and Sammy and I were in Bobby's study. We had had a stupid argument, and I let Sammy win, because he never knew Mom so it was only fair that he get something; so we were in Bobby's study, where Bobby had said we shouldn't be, looking up Angels in books. Sammy said Angels were real, and I said I knew they weren't. I said that because the last thing Mom ever said was that Angels were watching over me. Bang up job you guys did. After it turned out that Bobby agreed with Sammy and Dad agreed with me. That's the way it has always been between us. I wish to god, not that god ever gives us a damn break, I hadn't let Sammy win, that I hadn't pretended to be cool and brave and could do anything, and snuck us into Bobby's study; I wish to your fucking god that me and Dad had been right.

I let Sammy win and pretended to believe that Angels were real, anyhow Bobby had books that said just that, but Sam was still a kid and he would eventually have believed me, he always did. Bobby had books that said you could summon an Angel—and yeah it was Sammy who could make out all the superfancy old words. Sammy didn't understand really what those words meant, but I let him do it. I dared Sammy to summon one (he's always like those fancy words) to prove that they were real; I really thought they weren't so nothing would happen to him. Mom had said that Angels looked after me. (Really good job on that one Cas.) The book said we could call them—and Mom had asked them to watch over me—and maybe if we called them one could really come and watch over Sammy. But, really, I knew they didn't exist.

Sammy had an elaborate plan—he's always been a bit over the top. We drew the pictures—sigels, didn't know the word then, wish I didn't know the word now—on sheets of paper and laid them out like the book said. One of the most annoying things about Sam is that his plans usually work—it's also the most dangerous thing about Sam. He made them exact, and, what the hell, the whole thing was for fun right? I stole some candles out of Bobby's drawer—I was a stupid kid, trying to be cool for my little brother, and we lit the damn things. Then we picked our angels; it was all it was just kid stuff. That's what I thought then. I chose you Cas. I guess that's obvious. I thought you were just a name in a book, until you pulled me from hell. It was you because you were a warrior just like me—you could help me look after Sammy. I made Sam pick second because he was the my little brother, so he couldn't pick you Cas, he wanted to, he wanted to be just like me, but I said we couldn't share. Then I let Sammy pick.

Then Sammy read out loud the chanting thing. The whole damn Enochian chant, sigils set out just so, candles burning; holy oil candles burning, we were kids Cas, we didn't know. When he thought he had it just right, he started, chanting again, and he made me say your name somewhere, and then he said mine, I wasn't paying much attention. Sammy said he heard wings, the candles may have flickered a little; didn't mean anything. Sammy insisted that something did, I wasn't surprised it didn't, but I thought that nothing happened. The only thing that really happened was the sound of Bobby's van.

The next thing that Bobby happened was him yelling 'what in the hell are you boys doing?' I remember it because Bobby never talked like that to me and Sammy; I had also never seen him run before; it's still kinda funny. I said was 'Hurry up Sammy.' because it was Sammy's idea to do this and he hadn't had his turn. Bobby was yelling at us Cas, I mean really yelling, and I was playing it cool, so my little brother wouldn't know I was a little afraid because Bobby was shouting. I remember Sam chanting, he had learned it already, he's always been a genius 'rah ah gah ee oh es,' I still don't know the whole thing. 'Sammy, do it already,' I made him; I wanted him to, you know, he had taken so much time choosing his angel; the most beautiful of gods Angels, the morning star, and Sammy likes to go big, he choose an Archangel. Bobby was running up the stairs, he'd dropped the groceries and he was yelling something that I didn't understand. As Bobby is at the top of the stairs, Sammy is finishing, 'Vin nonce aspt Lucifer," Sammy went on chanting super-quick, the little dork that he already was he could already say it fast. Bobby was opening the door, I'm following Sammy's directions, and I say Sammy's name 'Sammy Winchester.' Cas, I was putting out the candles while I said it.

Bobby grabbed us both, and picked us up, and held us; I didn't know he was that strong, and he kissed the top of our head, he never did shit like that. Dad followed him in, five steps behind, still half asleep. Bobby looked at my Dad with what I think was pure hate, 'It wasn't just a summoning, John. Blow out the candles, and it's a binding.'

"So, Castiel," I say, taking another sip, yeah, sip of whiskey, "that's the day the world really ended. Bobby and I are talking about letting Sammy jump into the pit with Lucifer. Sam is willing to jump into the pit. I'm will to send my little brother to the worst torture in hell. But maybe we can still save theirs." I look out over Sioux City and wonder if it's fucking worth it.


	2. Bobby's POV

There is more than one day I count as the worst in my life, killing Karen, not saving Dean from hell and today—letting Sam fall to Lucifer's cage – that poor boy – also the day the boys were bound to those angels.

Dean blames himself. The apocalypse is too big for one young man to take one himself, but he does. This whole thing was set in motion, as best as I can tell, long before the boys were born; and it's not fair, not just to Sam, but really not to Dean.

When they were kids I left them alone, John was there, but that was more than alone—I left Dean in charge, and he may have been ten, probably nine. Dean would never refuse Sammy anything. Dean loves his brother; fool went to hell for Sam. That one summer afternoon I went to the store, and, as Dean told me, they went to play in my office; they had been forbidden, but they were boys, I should have expected something of the sort. Somehow, and Dean was never clear, they ended up setting up a ritual for calling Angels…just for fun. Sam has been much clearer, he says it's on him, he made Dean do it, and Dean was just along for the ride. But, however it happened, I - like the fool Rufus says I am - went to the store and left the boys in the care of John. John, drunk that he was, ignored those boys, and fell asleep on the couch—out for the count.

I came home—I was still parking the old van when I heard Sam chanting. Damned if that little boy, didn't get his tongue around Enochian like it was easy. Then I realized what he was doing. I cursed at the boys—and I regret that, they were children; they had no idea what they were doing. Then I ran, I called to John – waste of my time – and ran to those boys as fast as I could. I didn't clearly recall the Angel to whom Dean was bound, Castiel, more than familiar today; but Sam…Lucifer…Sammy, did you have to choose Lucifer? Now I wonder if it was the demon blood in Sam that pushed him to that choice; we didn't know about the demon blood then. Dean says that it is his, Dean's, fault, Sam wanted to share Cas—and Dean wouldn't let him. Sam still looks like he wants to share Cas. Running into the room as Dean blew out those candles, that was the day my world ended—that spell was a binding, precious little Sam belonged to Lucifer—and Dean would never forgive himself. It wasn't Dean's fault, never was; he had no idea what he was doing—it was fate in a way. I wonder though, if I hadn't left those boys alone if it would have happened at all; if they could just have been hunters, lived hard lives, but not this, not hell for both my boys. I wish I could hold them both one more time, as close as I did that afternoon; they're still both boys.

John lived his own hell; that's about all I can give him. He didn't bother with those kids, not that afternoon, not any afternoon. I told him that day that if anything, anything happened to either of those boys, nearly happened to those boys, I would take them from him. I guess he took me seriously, shot-guns help folks take things seriously, he cleaned up his act. It was too damn late though.

And tonight Sammy jumps into the pit to save the world because no one watched those boys.


End file.
